Everything feels like it's caving in. I feel like I am being crushed by everything going on and I just ache. I am having dizzy spells and I am getting really light headed and I'm not sure if it's from to much emotional stress or what. I just want to cry and stop hurting. Or get all the hurt out. I just don't know how. I don't know how to make this all better. I don't know how to make me all better. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Most of everything that is bothering me is mental though. Mom is perpetually mad at me. Today it was because I couldn't get out of work on time to go work at the church. (I had to go so I don't have to pay $100 for our mission trip.) She yells. WHERE DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO GET THIS MONEY FROM. I don't yell. I don't have to go, Mom. Things hurt. Her words hurt. My body hurts. My mind hurts. My heart hurts. I hurt. I don't understand. I don't understand why everything feels like it's caving in. I don't want it to. I want it to remain intact. I want everything to be ok. I want my mom to be happy and to love me. I wany my friends back. I want my job to be ok. I want danceline to not be a job. I want my life to be good again. I want everything to clear. I want to make everything stop caving in. I want to live again. I want to be able to breathe again... I want to be able to honestly smile again. Smile a real smile. Maybe that is my problem. Maybe I want so much. But maybe in reality I don't want all this. I need it. I need it like I need air. I need to be happy. I need to live. I need to be me. I just want me back. I don't want anymore tears. I don't want to fake anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I need. I need not to hurt. I need not to cry. I need not to pretend. I need me.

kat