Boys are horrible and stupid. Wait- no they are not and that's why I have a problem.

3 nights ago Evan was over and I told him I just really wanted to talk. We ended up not talking and when he left he asked me if I wanted him to call me. I didn't respond. I just stared at him. I'm mentally drained from this week of no sleep (3 hours averaged a night plus I still haven't caught up from camp). That was definately not the smart thing to do. I fell asleep as soon as he left and so I wasn't awake to hear the phone ring when he called. I got an email though:"...two lost souls swimmin in a fish bowl."- pink flizoyd

hi

i cant sleep knowing that someone as mad at me. i don't play the silent game. cause when the silent game is played, for me, its always somthin serious.so i apologize, i was late getting home by the way. anyways. i cant stand knowing that somebody dislikes me or is mad at me. its just bad. but since you are guna be mad, i want to talk to you at least one last time in person or on the phone or somthin before we dont talk again. yes, i intended on having a relationship, there was somthin about you, on the inside that made you so different from anyone i knew. call me shallow. call my friends shallow. call my ex shallow. but you are not shallow. you are just an excellent person. and that is true. thats not some bull shit said to be forgiven for i what i dont know i did but i guess i did. and true, our "relationship" was becoming kinda nympho like. anyways, i do wanna stay friends with you, not ass buddies, just like go drink cofee at cafe' or somthin eventhough (by the way, thank you for making me culturally in the know with the whole juris thingy. i only thought they went to cafes in the mooovies.) i want to be one of your good guy friends like those other ones, just to talk about music and stuff like that. you will remain the only person who i ever sang that song to, atleast until buzzfest. theres no real way to explain how i feel being ignored. its awful. so if i ever ignored you or ignore you, i apologize, because its horrible. so i guess i've learned somthing, im not good with relationships. when i walk around, i want you to remember that im carrying pieces of you in my pocket (loneliness, your lips, and the two coins of your eyes)...i think you know that song. i never got the chance to say that i loved you, and im not. we werent in love, we were in like. deep like. heartfelt like. emotional like. burning, desiring like. your big words, my quick comments. i wrote a song about you. maybe you can hear sometime. well, thats enough babble. just sayin what all was on my mind. paradise to parking lots- ev

Grand. So now he has assumed that it is over because I didn't answer one phone call and I was not talking at all. It just seems weird. It seems over-presumative. It seems like maybe he wanted a way-out without looking like a jerk? But then again that letter makes me feel so confident about how we were. I called him and he didn't answer so I left a message. Telling him I thought he was crazy for thinking I was ignoring him I was so sorry he felt that way and I wished that I could fix it and that he should call me back as soon as he could. Yes, well. This is where things get interesting....

Josh (one of my best guy friends Evan was referring to) just recently (about a month ago) broke up with his girlfriend Bree, of 7 months. I've not hung out with the gang in forever. So I decided Friday was a good day to do so. Josh has been incredibly torn up over all this. He couldn't eat and when I got there he has just thrown up. He was feeling a little better. Peter and Chris were going to a barbeque with some girls I know from middle school, they are both interested in the girls. So Josh was feeling like he was just going to be tagging along. He decided to hang out with me. After not hearing from the girls for a while Peter, Charles, Josh, and I headed back to Peter's. We were beginning to make plans for the night and decided to start off with some grub. As we are pulling out of the drive the girls call Peter and Charles. Josh stays with me and those 2 go to the barebeque.

Josh and I went to Chilli's we saw and old danceline girl so of course I had to tell her about what's been going on. Josh and I talked about alot of things. It was different to be hanging out with him after not for so long. Josh is a great guy out of the group I connect the most with him. Always have. We talked about Bree. I told him about Evan. We talked about so much. I realised how much I had missed him and the gang. The big suprise was that Squig and Bree are now fully dateing and were a week or so after Josh and Bree's 7 months of dating.

We talked some more and headed back to my house where we still were talking. He ended up kissing unresponsive lips, mine. I thought about it so much and all that was said in the night. About everything that lead up to what was happening: him saying he wanted to date a girl he knew, a girl he was close to and comfortable with. All this didn't seem to click. Until- I kissed back.

It's all extremely weird. The gang has split. Squig and Bree are together and because of it not hanging out with "the gang". Chris, Peter, and Josh remain as always the 3 best friens. I step back into the picture and it's with Josh?

Everything feels so weird. Josh? Evan? It's just weird. I don't know what to feel, how to think, what to do?

I got butterflys on my way to see Josh last night. Butterflys. It's hard to walk away from butterflys.

kat