I remember my Christmas's as a child way to clearly. I can still close my eyes and see the tree and every decoration. I can see the gifts and remember the wrapping paper, I remember the Christmas cards and the people on them, I remember the meal and the cakes and how much I ate. I remember the people and what they wore and what they talked about. I remember the smells of that house- of spices and ginger bread. I remember the warmness in a small country house in the middle of no where in mid- winter. I remember it. And even more I miss it. Christmas hurts so much. Every year I can feel it in my heart and bones. I know this day. I've lived for so many years. And now it hurts. I wish I knew why. I wish I could bring back the old memories and the families. I feel so alienated but I'm not sure from whom or why. And as the time draws closer for that day my heart just hurts. I just want to cry. And I do. And it hurts. I want to ask it to stop. But I know it won't because I've pleaded with it before through hick up breaths of tears. I've asked it to stop, begged it too. And it won't. Old memories dance in my head like the sugar plum fairies once did.

But Christmas is Thursday. We still don't have a tree...

kate