2003 is put away. It was a wonderful year. I grew up. I am still growing. But 2003 was good to me.

My new years was great. Josh invited me to his friends apartment. When we showed up Gabe was parked outside.

"Well- look whose hear?" he nodded towards Gabe's truck.

"...and?" I asked imploringly.

"Well- what do you want to do?" he looked considerately at me.

"Go inside," I said leading the way to a door I had never entered before.

Once inside Gabe didn't speak to me, he sat in the corner with his girl on the night leaning in for rejected kisses under the assumed effort to make me jealous, noticed by Josh and then pointed out to me. And I didn't care. I was so wrapped up in the card game that me and 4 of his guy friends were playing that I didn't care to watch. So Gabe shifted his effort more directly toward the game with his not so attractive girl at his side. I still didn't care. The 4 friends of Josh's I was talking to kept me pretty wrapped up. Jake was trying to get me to help him cheat his way through a game of "Go Chug" (a spin off of Go Fish with drinking involved), Ron was wearing my jacket and without me knowing relocating my car several times, Chris was spilling beer all over poker chips which I had to keep cleaning up, and un named boy was making me laugh more than I ever had before. Josh sat at the end of the table checking on me to make sure I was ok and comfortable and I assured him I was as he assured me of how awkward he felt. Gabe in a more direct force took my chair when I stood up to walk with Josh to the kitchen. His girl assumed Josh's chair. And when we walked back we both glanced at them and looked at each other. I shrugged it off and led him to the living arear (directly connected to the table where they sat and we once did). He put his arm around me and we clasped hands and I felt warm inside. We sang songs that were blaring from the radio and exchanged a few bits of conversation.

At the table we had talked about new year's resolution where the only exchange in conversation the entire night between me and Gabe remained.

"My new year's resolution," he stated after Josh had inquired, "is to not be such a dick."

"What a great idea!" I chimed in as the table laughed.

Josh accused me of only being interested in him due to attempts to make Gabe jealous. And in my heart I had to stop and think about that. And I would love to say that at that moment I knew he was 100 percent wrong... I couldn't.

The night went on. Gabe and the rest went to their parties and Josh and I waited around for Emily with promises of not being to far behind.

Once they were gone Josh and got a little friendly on the couch.

Emily came not to long after the rest had gone and we dropped her car off at my house and headed out to the party the others had not long ago set out for. We got lost and never made it but went to a thing one of mine and Emily's friends were having. There was a bonfire and fireworks and s'mores. We stayed for about 15 minutes then headed out to the next party.

At the stroke of midnight we were in my car completely unaware of the time. When we got to the party we realised we had missed it and then Josh kissed me. A long passionate kiss. He asked Emily if she had gotten a new year's kiss- knowing that she hadn't.

"Well- here ya go." he said then pecked her on the cheek.

We headed out of there not much after midnight and came home to face the realities of the night. Sleep.

And all today I have thought about him. "You're doing this just to make Gabe jealous, aren't you?"

And I can honestly say. 100 percent. I am not. I like Josh. I like Josh a whole lot. I want to spend as much time with him as I can. I want to know him inside and out. But most of all- I want him to feel that way about me too...

kat