Things with Josh plummeted. I told him I couldn't do that. I asked for time apart from him. Realised I was wrong. Apologized. And now I'm paying for it. We hardly talk and when we do it's small talk, 'how are you's' and 'everything is great's' I hate that. I hate that we've lowered ourselves to that. I hate even more to think that maybe our relationship was purely physical. But sometimes I can't help but let that thought cross my mind.

I know what he wants. I know what I want. They don't match up. So why do I continue to miss him?

And why have I started talking to Gabe again. I know why. It's so I can have contact with Josh. And that's wrong. That's only going to give Josh the wrong idea.

And because I thought I might have (oh great, get this) had potential feelings of love for him I feel that I have to replace it. So I'm forcing things. Forcing relationships. Bad. Bad. Very bad.

And I've been so busy and caught up. And confused. And tired. And I need to think. I need to breathe.

And maybe-- maybe I'm doing this all because I'm a girl and the 14th is Saturday. And I know what I want. And I know I can't have it but I want something. So here I am rambling about it.

And at the same time the 14th is just another day. Just. Another. Day. That's all it is.

Then-- why did I take off work for it.

And why am I hoping desprately that someone will call.

Anyone.

And why am I turning into this again.

I. Don't. Know. And perhaps I never will.

kate