This whole death thing. I don't know how I feel about it. I know I hate it. I resent it. I know I sometimes desire it.

I see it as the answer to all my questions.

Maybe after I'm dead I'll understand it all. Maybe I'll regret a lot. Maybe I'll be thankful of some things? Maybe everything will be as simple as 1 + 1 = 2.

But honestly I don't know how to feel about it.

I know it should have been me today and not her. It should have been anyone but her. She was goregous. 16 years old, as big as a stick, funny, cute, athletic, straight A student. She was the one who cheered everybody else up. She was the one who never had anything but a smile on her face. She was the one who always had something postive to add to any conversation. She was it. She was loved by all. She was admired by all. She was what we all aimed to be.

And him. I feel sorry for him. 30 mph was the posted speed limit. He crashed into her at 90. Stop sign in front of him. No stopping. No relenting. Just plowing, he plowed right into the side of her while she was on her cell phone with her mother.

Nick saw it all. He jumped out of his truck as fast as he could. He tryed to open the door of her car. The man got out of his car, walked over, took a look at her, and got back in his car and just sat. Nick said he couldn't even identify her. He couldn't tell if she was even male or female. But he didn't have to see her to know.

The rest of us. We met up at the hospital. The hospital she didn't even make it to. We sat with tear drenched shirts and clenched fist. And we all wondered why.

And this whole death thing. I don't know how to feel about it. But with all my heart,I hate it.